Acknowledging that my Mental Health was in Trouble

I decided it was time to step away from social media to reset my life and, more importantly, my mental health. If I could step away from my life long enough to look at it from the outside, I know I could reset it with ease. But that’s not how life works.

Social media can easily consume you if you're not careful. I know some might debate this, but in my experience, it has the power to brainwash you. The constant men vs. women debates, the “if you’re not investing, you’re broke” lectures, the chaos around everyone needing to be an entrepreneur, and the never-ending sermons about how “God told me to tell you…”—it was just too much.

It’s only been four days since I’ve been off social media, but the difference is already noticeable. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone, but I know I need this break. You know what’s interesting? Within the first hour of my absence, only one person reached out. ONE. He’s someone I’ve known for a while, but he rarely likes or interacts with my posts. And yet, he noticed. There was one other person who called that day, but he didn’t even realize I was gone. He just claimed he was "checking in."

It made me realize something: we follow all these people, and all these people follow us, but in the end, only the ones who truly care will notice when we’re not around. The rest don’t matter.

I've been struggling more than I care to admit. It really started in September, but by October, it felt like the weight of the world was on me. I’ve had three anxiety attacks in less than two weeks. I’ve cried during several doctor’s appointments, telling them how exhausted I am. I’ve even canceled two therapy sessions because I just didn’t want to talk to anyone. If I had my way, I wouldn’t talk to anyone at all.

My oldest daughter told me that isolating myself when stressed is a trauma response. I’m not sure if that’s true, but I know I want to be alone. I want the noise in my head and the noise from the outside world to stop for a while. I’ve been looking at social media, my life, and all the responsibilities weighing me down, and it’s become overwhelming.

Recently, I found myself crying to my parents, something I’ve never done before. I told them every day how much I hated my job and how I felt like I was losing my mind. Even though they listened, I couldn’t shake the feeling that they didn’t truly understand. No one seems to understand what I’m going through in silence.

The doctors all asked me the same question: “Do you feel like hurting yourself?” No, I don’t. It’s not that bad for me, and I don’t plan on letting it get that bad. But I do need space. I need a place where I can rest and reset, and right now, I can’t seem to find it. Even applying for FMLA to take mental health breaks has become stressful.

So, I’ve made some decisions. The first was to step away from social media because it had become an unhealthy distraction. Sometimes it made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough, which led to me doing... nothing. I exhausted myself trying to keep up with this idea of “success.”

That whole “strong Black woman” label? It’s overrated. I’ve been in survival mode for a long time. Raising two daughters on my own, receiving only $45-$52 a week in child support for my youngest, working a full-time job with the USPS that keeps cutting my pay and increasing my workload—it’s all too much. I’ve been there for eight years, and every step forward I’ve taken has been taken away. My life wasn’t moving in the direction I’d hoped or felt I deserved, and it sent me over the edge.

I’m not someone who asks for help, but I tried reaching out to the men in my life for support with my business. You know, the ones who like you but pretend they don’t, the ones who “appreciate how inspiring you are” but would sleep with you if they could? Yeah, them. I asked for ONE thing, and it felt like my words fell on deaf ears. The responses were all the same: “I believe in you,” “You’ll make this happen, I can hear your passion,” “Just wait, your time is coming.” It was heartbreaking.

But I needed those responses. Here’s why:

1. I can, I will, and when I do succeed, I’ll remember their words.

2. When I reach my destination, I won’t owe anyone anything.

3. Nobody owes me a thing.

So I made more decisions. I began eliminating anything that drained me, starting with meaningless conversations. I need to do what’s best for me. I know I’m changing, and while it wasn’t intentional, it’s happening because God has a bigger plan for me. Everything feels harder now because I’m being forced to release my old ways—old habits, old thoughts, old routines.

If only I could speed up the process or get a glimpse of what’s ahead, maybe it would ease my mind. My biggest fear is getting lost in my own head, being labeled “crazy” when really, I’m just trying to figure out how to find my way out of the darkness.

But for now, I’m eliminating distractions. I’m reading more, journaling when I feel like it, praying (though I know I need to pray more), and my next step is to take a leap of faith and release myself from a toxic work environment.

Well, that’s all for now.

Love,

PJ